Talking about and Overcoming Unwanted Porn Use in your LDS Relationship
How can I resist porn?
If you received $10,000 for every day you resisted porn, could you resist? If you had to pay $10,000 each time you viewed porn, would you pay it? If you had $10,000 for your every judgmental or fearful thought about a certain porn user, would you be rich?
“How can I resist porn?” is not a helpful question. It suggests that there must be resistance – some type of battle or fight. One expects to enable a rigid discipline regime. It can be exhausting, difficult, and discouraging.
Motivation to not view porn is a lot different than resisting porn.
Do you WANT to resist porn? WHY or WHY NOT? The motivation is in the WHY.
Be clear about your reasons for choosing to not view porn. Porn trains your brain to think, “This is what sex is.” Porn can replace genuine emotional connection and desire for human touch. Porn is not reality. Porn will never be the medicinal fix you need to address emotional or mental health issues. Porn promotes isolation, not connection. Motivation to not view porn starts with making decisions that align with what you ultimately desire. Look at the results of what porn does and does not do for you. What do you want instead?
Does porn keep me from having a real relationship?
After interviewing 120 young adults about dating, I came to the conclusion that one of the biggest impediments to having and maintaining a real relationship was not enough time spent in the real world. Porn is one way to escape into a fantasy world, and the more time is spent there, the less time you have to practice living a real life and having real relationships.
If you won’t talk about porn openly and honestly, you are living in a fantasy world of thinking you can have a real relationship and avoid real and pertinent topics. The porn user is not the only one living in a fantasy world. It’s anyone in the relationship who is avoiding real conversations that involve truth-telling.
How to be open and honest about porn use:
If you are dating someone who views porn, or if you are viewing porn but you don’t want to be, start by getting crystal clear about:
1. How much, how long per day, what kind, and WHY you or the person you are dating does it.
2. What you would do with your porn viewing time or worry about porn use if you were not viewing porn or worrying about porn.
3. Take full responsibility and own exactly what’s going on and take action to address the issue, as a porn user or non-porn (fear around porn) user.
How to address porn in dating?
Address porn with honesty, responsibility, and communication. Are the porn user and non-porn user honest and responsible? Confessing to someone you’re trying to date can be awkward and may set up a “rule enforcement” fear of getting caught or trying to catch the rule-breaker. You can be honest without turning your dates into confession sessions.
Oftentimes, the one who is not viewing porn feels like they need to walk on egg shells and take care of the porn user’s feelings. They hide their fear about the porn issue and try to demonstrate that they love and accept the porn user without judgement. They hide how they really feel. Both parties need to own their own truth, based on reality, and talk about it openly. Both parties may want to involve a therapist, counselor, life coach, or another trained professional.
Is porn a reason to break up with someone?
If you and/or the porn user is not honest, responsible, and communicating openly, that is a reason to break up.
If porn use is a deal breaker for you, then porn use would be a reason to break up. However, I would clarify the deal breaker with more details. Get specific.
If you are judging, blaming, criticizing, resenting, and complaining about the porn user, or if you’re on the other side of that, break up and then you work on YOU. What expectations do you have that lead you to elevate your own worthiness over another? Can you imagine what it’s like to date someone like you?
Compassion for porn users and non-porn users:
Listen and learn about people. Be willing to see and accept the real human. Be the real you. Allow for awkwardness and discomfort. Own your own stuff and tell the truth about it. Embrace your freedom to choose. Make choices based on the information you have. Not out of judgement and bitterness, but from a place of love. Have compassion, be accountable, and make decisions that align with what you ultimately want. If you need help with any of this, consider signing up for life coaching.
When it comes to porn and dating, leave your measuring stick and your magnifying glass at home. Bring a full and open heart and a listening ear.
