How to Deal with Differences in a Dating Relationship
Many people are doubters when it comes to differences. “What’s a good match?” they want to know, as they back away from commitment. How does one decide if the differences are deal-breakers? This is entirely unique to each individual and couple, but if you want a prescribed formula, you are not alone. Here is the formula that worked for us while traveling for a month in Europe:
Honor freedom and take responsibility.
Differences Don’t Have to Be Deal Breakers
In fact, they can become relationship-makers. My husband and I have many differences, and yet I often proclaim that he is my soulmate. This can be confusing because it’s a common belief that soulmates are on the same page about most everything. Don’t let that belief keep you from learning how to love and cherish someone who is different from you.
Differences While Traveling
One difference that was glaringly obvious on our Europe trip was that my husband was extremely friendly and social, and he was not afraid to ask for help. I preferred to keep to myself and figure stuff out on my own. He talked to everyone, everywhere, all of the time, about everything. He engaged in conversations wherever we went, even if there was a language barrier. While sometimes I enjoyed being part of his engaging conversations with strangers, other times I did not. Sometimes I wanted to just gaze out the window, check my phone, doze off, or better yet, have my husband all to myself.
Differences Can Lead to Disappointment
At one point on our trip, we decided to take a romantic river cruise with a gondolier guiding us through stunning scenery and historic sights. My husband talked to the gondolier the entire boat ride, and although I did find the gondolier’s life story interesting, I also felt like a third wheel.
Differences Can Lead to a Soulmate Connection
I thought to myself, “I need to talk to him about this.” I imagined a conversation where I would tell him he needed to stop talking to everybody because I mostly didn’t like it. Then, I remembered the formula: Honor Freedom and Take Responsibility.
How could I honor his freedom to be himself (Mr. Friendly) and take responsibility for my own freedom to not engage? I considered all the different scenarios, including the romantic river cruise, and decided that we needed to have a talk about this. However, it was a relationship-making conversation which invited a soulmate connection. His propensity to talk to every stranger in his path was not a deal-breaker. It was an opportunity to love and cherish him and to communicate with him.
Before Talking About Your Differences, You Need One Thing
Before the conversation, I needed clarity. How did I honestly feel about his friendly, social, engaging self? Until the high dose of it on our trip, I really loved and admired this about him. I realized that I didn’t want him to change. He could choose to engage with strangers, and I could cherish and honor that choice but not join in, if I didn’t want to. I imagined how this would play out and though of ways I could happily walk away, tune out, or listen with rapture. I could take responsibility for my own happiness without depending on him to make me happy! Brilliant.
Talk Honestly and Openly About Your Differences
During our conversation, we laughed about the river cruise. He thanked me for telling him because he didn’t realize he was so focused on the gondolier, and he could see why I was feeling like a third wheel. I wasn’t accusing him, and he wasn’t defensive. I recognized that I could have been more bold in asking for what I wanted during the boat ride, instead of waiting around for him to pay attention to me. One of my favorite things to teach, as a life coach, is how to make a loving request.
Set Yourself Free From the Drama of Differences
For the rest of the trip, if I didn’t want to engage with strangers, I would wander off and do my own thing. He was free to do his thing, and I was free to do mine. Sometimes, I would take a few steps back and just observe, taking photos of him making new friends in the different places we visited. I have a folder on my phone now which holds my treasured collection of Mr. Friendly shots.
How to Agree When You Disagree
There were situations where I could not wander off, like on a train with a foursome of seats facing each other. In this case, it was a decision we made together. We had a look or a signal meaning, “together,” and most of the time we were. If not, we did not engage. “Together” means “we agree.” At the end of our trip, we talked about the people we had met, and how some of them made a lasting impression – story after story after story!
How to See Differences as an Opportunity
Differences make life interesting and certainly more challenging, but this is how we learn and grow. Soulmates are two people - with physical attraction and emotional connection - who choose to love and accept each other unconditionally.
If you are on the fence about differences, that just means you need more information. Make decisions based on information, not on the hope that someday things will change. For help and support on this subject, consider a consultation call.
