LDS Gen Z and Millennial Dating Trends
A Summary of my Dating Interviews Project (2019-2020) – Julie Balkman Coaching LLC
Most daters want to know:
Is there something wrong with me, when it comes to dating?
Ultimately, people want to know that they’re not alone. “Do other people have dating experiences, dating feelings, or dating fears & pain like mine?”
If you are a dater, read this summary of my 120 dating interviews and discover that you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. I promise.
Is dating more difficult than it used to be?
Yes! It is. Today’s young adult daters have access to more information than any other generation. They are accused of being too picky or slow when it comes to matters of the heart, but it takes time to process and time to decide. Deliberation is wisdom in the modern world. Gen Z’s and Millennials have been labeled as the “me, me, me generation,” and that’s not a bad thing. If you know more, you want more. Right? Start with responsibility for one’s self, collect data, and make wise decisions based on the information you have. It’s totally normal! More difficult is the new normal.
Think of “picky” as refined. “Slow” is a response to too many choices. “Me, me, me” may come from a desire to not repeat the mistakes of previous generations (i.e. parents); thus seeking self-discovery, self-care, insight, and life experience.
Why is dating harder for Gen Z and Millennials?
They have more information about relationships than ever before, which is confusing and full of contradictions. They have too many choices, which leads to decision-making paralysis. They have many forms of communication, and each form of communication has it’s own meaning. There is a prevalent fear of making mistakes, like “What if I choose the wrong person?” Personal wholeness and earning potential are a prerequisite to marriage & family, where it used to be part of the package. Expectations and requirements are high. Independence is favored over settling. Self-improvement is a badge of honor instead of an excuse – “I’m working on myself first.”
If we were to look at a cultural timeline of dating, this would be the transitional phase of straddling the line between old traditional norms, which may seem more personal and romantic, and new protocols, which are more sensible, practical, and equal, but not as swoony. With this transition comes the confusing navigation of individual preferences. Where are you on the timeline of transition? And what about the person you want to date?
The Highs and Lows of LDS Gen Z and Millennial Dating
HIGHS: Out of 120 young adults interviewed, overall, there was a HIGH amount of:
Emotional awareness, desire for deeper connection & better communication.
Observational skills of relationships around them, especially among their peers.
Desire to trade technology “fake” for the “real” thing. Wanting to meet and date in more organic ways, rather than online.
Potential to learn and grow when married.
Recognition of the effects too many choices.
Experience in travel, educational pursuits, public branding, and socially acceptable trends, such as “ghosting” and flakiness.
Affluence, privilege, and expectations.
Involvement with parents and siblings.
Involvement with friend groups that stifle dating within the group.
Confusion around how you get into an exclusive dating relationship that could actually lead to marriage. (The magical, mysterious, miracle that only happens to other people)
Immaturity & lack of experience, for their age group, when it comes to exclusive, committed relationships.
Difficulty in decision-making.
Pressure to date and get married. Pressure around the date itself. Pressure to be a certain kind of person/potential partner.
Idealistic thinking that comes from church culture. Perfectionistic, unattainable goals, and self-righteousness.
First dates that never lead to a second date.
Desire for physical attraction AND emotional connection - both!
Belief that “Something is wrong with me.”
Desire to find compatibility and common interests.
Desire for someone who is the same religion and actively participating.
Confusion when it comes to the opposite sex. “I don’t understand girls/guys.”
Belief that dating is a game.
FOMO – “What are my friends doing without me?”
Attachment to the traditional way of dating.
Fear when it comes to:
. making a wrong decision.
. hurting someone’s feelings.
. commitment.
. rejection.
. starting over after a relationship or potential relationship ends.
. being found out (feeling unworthy, broken, or abnormal).
. intimacy - emotional, spiritual, and physical.
. getting hurt.
. uncertainty.
LOWS: Out of 120 young adults interviewed, overall, there was a LOW amount of:
Self Confidence.
Investment.
Interest.
Time (too busy).
Experience.
Number of people to date in one’s location.
Knowledge on how to open up and share true feelings.
Risk.
Education (how to date).
Knowing how to get what they want. Even knowing WHAT they want.
Desire to use dating apps to actually date.
Desire, motivation, ambition, enthusiasm for dating.
Energy.
Desire to go public with who they are dating.
LDS Gen Z and Millennial Dating Advice for Self and Others:
Several of the people interviewed had good dating advice. They seemed to have an intellectual and spiritual idea of how dating SHOULD be, but openly admitted that they were not living by their own shoulds.
Most of the young adults interviewed expressed a high desire to date within generally accepted cultural norms. With these norms comes an enormous amount of expectations and pressure. “It SHOULD look like this or that, therefore that is a requirement.”
LDS daters are raised in a culture that comes with loads of shoulds, advice, and expectations. With eternal marriage as the ultimate goal, the stakes are high. Some carry a relentless dialogue: “Marriage is the biggest and most important decision I will ever make. I’m going to be with this person forever. I better make the right choice!”
Feeling Like You are Not Enough When it Comes to Dating:
My interviews revealed a common struggle with worthiness on varying levels; the biggest one, by far, is “Not feeling like I’m enough,” and “I don’t know enough or have enough experience,” and “My sexual desire, or my sexual activity is not acceptable, therefore I am unworthy.”
The Infantilizing of Gen Z and Millennial Daters is a Real Thing:
It seems that many LDS young adults are perceived, by themselves and others, as teenagers until they get married. Many of them are still in the teen world when it comes to dating, mainly because they lack experience. When LDS Gen Z and Millennials were teenagers, they were encouraged to wait to date, to avoid having exclusive romantic relationships, and to guard their sexual purity. They learned to socialize with the opposite sex in group settings, during their high school years. Post high school, they were encouraged to serve an LDS mission, which is an 18 month to 2-year commitment. During that time, dating is strictly prohibited. Upon returning from their missionary service, they are advised or encouraged to get married, but they have very little actual dating experience.
LDS Gen Z and Millennial Dating Interviews Reveal a Standard Need for Clarity
Currently, I am writing a book about my dating interview project. The results show there is a high need for learning & growth in navigating self- discovery and finding real relationships based on unconditional love.
There is a high need and desire for confidence and clarity when it comes to dating. My book will be about how to move from what does not work to what does work, in order to progress in the dating phase of one’s life. Especially for those who want a happy, healthy, long-lasting relationship, such as marriage.
11 Dating Interview questions
1. What are your biggest challenges when it comes to dating?
2. What do you want when it comes to dating?
3. How do you find people to date?
4. How do you feel about first dates?
5. How do you feel about dating apps and social media?
6. What did you learn from your parents about dating and relationships?
7. How do you feel about break-ups?
8. How will you know when you have found the person you want to marry?
9. Do you have preferences, requirements, and/or deal breakers?
10. Do you know of a couple (2 people you could name), and you think to self, “I want that.” If so, what do you see? Name 3 things.
11. Do you want equal partnership? If so, what does it look like, and when does it begin?
