How to Develop Healthy Sexuality as an LDS Single (Part Two)
For context, read How to Develop Healthy Sexuality as an LDS Single.
What does it mean to show your sexiness by allowing for honesty and mistakes?
1. Non-manipulative flirting is a willingness to be honest and/or own mistakes. It’s sexy because it’s a risky exposure or reveal. When someone takes that kind of risk for you, it’s flattering!
2. There is something so endearing and refreshing about a person who owns their mistakes. Not in a self-deprecating way, but in a responsible, straightforward way. It takes courage, and that’s sexy.
Examples of sexy honesty and owning mistakes:
“I have a crush on you.” “I get so nervous around you, I can’t think of what to say. I’m all tongue-tied.” “I made a mistake. I should have asked you out the first time I met you.” “You look amazing in that dress.” “I was awake all night trying to think of ways I could impress you.” “I picked up my phone 1000 times last night to text you but could not come up with the right thing to say. So I said nothing. My bad.”
It’s easy to come up with something to say if you review the things you are thinking but never say out loud. Yes, you can still use a filter but allow some honest and genuine thoughts to be known.
True story: One of my clients wanted to go on a date with a woman who lived several hours away. He told her that he was coming to her town for work and asked if she would like to go surfing while he was there. They met at the beach, they surfed, and they had a good time.
I asked him, “So, was it a date?” He wasn’t sure. “Did you want it to be a date?” Yes. “Did you lie to her and say you would be in town for work, but you actually drove all that way just to be with her?” Yes. “She might have been flattered to know that you came all that way just for her.” Yeah, but that would have been risky. Too much pressure.
Are you willing to take risk and tolerate pressure for true love and connection? Because that’s sexy! And keep in mind, not everyone will think you’re sexy. Even when you are fully igniting the fire of honesty and owning your mistakes with a seductive smile on your face. If they don’t see you as sexy, that’s their bad – not yours. Don’t own their mistakes. Embrace the belief that YOU are sexy!
True story: After going on a date, one of my clients said, “I wanted to hold her hand, but she was holding her wallet.” I suggested saying something like this: “Would you be willing to put your wallet away so I can hold your hand?” as an example of honest exposure.
At our next coaching session my client exclaimed, “When you said that, it kind of blew my mind. It really opened up my understanding of that concept. You’ve got to understand that from the home I was brought up in and the things I’ve been taught culturally, I never would have thought to ask that. It would’ve seemed kind of aggressive. There are definitely men out there who need to reign it in and better understand consent, but there are also good men like myself out there who need to know that they have permission to be more bold, and who need examples of how to be bold in loving, non-toxic, non-aggressive ways.”
How do you make sexy choices?
Decide what you ultimately want. Bring that to the forefront of your mind. Hold the vision. Make decisions that align with what you ultimately want. It is attractive and usually seen as confident when someone is actively making decisions and progressing in some area(s) of their life. This is not a plug for yet another self-improvement grind. No way! This is so much more than self-improvement.
When you make decisions that align with what you ultimately want, you are engaging a new kind of energy. It’s powerful and sexy! People are drawn to this energy because it requires courage, gumption, and some level of confidence (belief in one’s self). How do you get this energy? Start making decisions! Practice stepping into your own life and live fully! See what happens.
Example of an ultimate want vs. immediate want: “I want to be a doctor, but I don’t want to study for the medical exams. I’m too tired.” Ultimate want: Doctor. Immediate want: sleep. How to shift the energy: “Actually, I DO WANT to study because I want to be a doctor.” Going for the thing you ultimately want is energizing and sexy. Feeling like you have to do something is draining and can be unattractive.
Going for your ultimate wants will be more lightweight and fun, not so heavy and demanding. Don’t count on it being easy or comfortable. Building confidence is not comfortable. Many people go for what they want as martyrs. They are serious, self-disciplined, and resentful. If you feel like a martyr (not sexy), I would invite you to reassess. Can you change your mental energy in how you approach progress?
Examples of making sexy choices:
1. Signing up for things that energize you, like: guitar lessons, pickle ball tournament, travel, graduate school, voice lessons, book club, volunteer in your community, woodworking class, etc.
2. Ask someone on a date, and be the leader with a plan in place. If the person does not want to do what you have planned, ask he/she to be the leader.
3. What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? Teach another person who wants to learn.
4. Embrace something you feel passionate about.
5. Turn on your sex appeal by taking care of and getting to know and appreciate your physical body. Accept yourself as a sexual being.
6. Stop apologizing. Start making requests. When you make a request, you are saying to yourself and another person that YOU matter, your wants matter, and you are showing up as YOU in the world. Start requests with, “Would you be willing…” Try it. See how you feel. It’s a huge confidence booster.
7. Take a good look at all decisions in your life that you continually answer with, “I don’t know.” Start changing each one to a “yes” or a “no.” Step into your answer, and get more information for your next decision. Watch your confidence skyrocket!
8. If you are living with your parents and/or receiving financial support from your parents, make a plan to move out and support yourself financially. Independence is sexy. When it comes to your parents, could you also be more independent mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?
Being sexy is not ALL about looks and body type. When I ask others, “What do you think is sexy?” the most common reply is: “Confidence.”
